130+ Dark Humor Captions for Instagram with Quotes

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Dark Humor Captions for Instagram

Table of Contents

I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors – well, 100% of dead people don’t!
I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said I gotta use that one.—Paul Simon

The rest of us can find happiness in misery.―Fall Out Boy
What’s the whole point of being pretty on the outside when you’re so ugly on the inside?―Jess C. Scott
I realized that success in most things depends on finding people stupid enough to volunteer to try doing them but smart enough to have a chance of succeeding.―Jack Campbell

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.—Mark Twain
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.―Steve Martin
For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person. ―Frankie Boyle (on Margaret Thatcher)

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It’s chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. — Paul Simon
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. — Phyllis Diller
In 5-billion years the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes. Have a nice day.

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.—Robert Frost
I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.
People believe in God but does God believe in people?

Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while, then a layer of scum floats to the top.—Edward Abbey
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?—Abraham Lincoln
What after all, is a halo? It’s only one more thing to keep clean. — Christopher Fry

Smell is one of the biggest triggers of memory. How will you be remembered?
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off.
The need for clean clothing outlived disasters. The end of the world could come, but that would only mean more bloodstains to wash.―Brandon Sanderson

Friendship’s more important than money. Unless someone owes you $100.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. — Katharine Hepburn
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. — Don Marquis

Dark Humor Quotes for Instagram

My friend died doing what he loved… Heroin.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Man makes plans… And God laughs.―Michael Chabon

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. — Franklin P. Jones
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.—Saul Bellow
If at first, you don’t succeed, remove all evidence that you even tried.

In 5-billion years, the Sun will expand & engulf our orbit as the charred ember that was once Earth vaporizes.
The dumber people think you are, the most surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.
I persuaded him to throw the dirk away, and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright, fresh new way of killing itself.―Mark Twain

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. — Elbert Hubbard
If you can’t laugh at yourself, you could be missing out on the joke of the day.
You see, insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.

I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.’ ‘That’s awful,’ Ling said when she found her voice again. ‘It was awful. I loved those pants.
I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved. — Rose Kennedy
The dumber people think you are, the most surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.―William Clayton

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
What Promise of a new day does one have to ignore to laugh so early in the morning?
Life doesn’t end, you just run out of road.―Stewart Stafford

If at first you don’t succeed, blame your parents. — Marcelene Cox
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.—Franklin P. Jones
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them.―Unknown

Prejudice is a great time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. — E. B. White
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? — Abraham Lincoln
The general plot of life is sometimes shaped by the different ways genuine intelligence combines with equally genuine ignorance.―Lucy Grealy

Everyone brings joy to my house. Some when they arrive; others when they leave.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

Dark Humor Hashtags for Instagram

Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

Sometimes I miss the people my characters were before I ruined their lives.
If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged.
When in doubt, blow something up.

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged―Terry Pratchett
When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper, so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.―Jay Wickre
My grief counselor died last week. However he was so good at his job, it hasn’t bothered me at all.

When your past shows up to haunt you, make sure it comes after supper so it doesn’t ruin your whole day.
I did not need an unstable relationship to teach me about the evils of broken promises. I had parents for that.
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.—Theodore Roosevelt

Where would you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left it.
I’m not known for being tough but I have the heart of a lion. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, s*x, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.―Johnny Carson

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. — Don Marquis
It’s so hard being goth. You have to have a bad time everywhere.
Say what you want about the deaf.

He’d interpreted my move as rudeness, but I thought it would’ve been much ruder to stab him.―Kayla Krantz
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.—Zsa Zsa Gabor
If rabbits’ feet are so lucky, you’d have to ask, What happened to the rabbit?

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. — W. C. Fields
How much is real and for how long?
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. — Will Rogers

‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing unless you’re at a funeral.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see anymore.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.—Terry Pratchett

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Dark Humor Puns for Instagram

It doesn’t matter what other people think when you’re right ―John Cleaver―Dan Wells
Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. — Jerry Seinfeld

The most I can hope for is to die in a pose that confuses future archaeologists.
In life, occasionally you’re the pigeon but mostly you’re the statue.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.—Don Marquis

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.—W. C. FieldsHave a nice day.―Neil Degrasse Tyson
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
‘I found her. There was blood everywhere. I slipped and fell in it.’’ ‘That’s awful,’ Ling said when she found her voice again. ‘It was awful. I loved those pants.’―Libba Bray

Relationships are ropes. Love is a noose.―Durzo Blint―Brent Weeks
I’ve been accused of vulgarity. I say that’s bullshit.―Mel Brooks
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. Terry Pratchett

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.—Bob Hope
I’m seriously the nicest and meanest person you will ever meet. Now fuck off and have a great day.
Revenge is beneath me. Accidents, however, will happen.

Why doesn’t my phone fly when I put it in airplane mode? I’d really like to know.
A difference in self-loathing? Please. The only difference between a gun and a rope is the time it takes to tie the knot.―Justine Larbalestier
I’m a leader, not a follower. Unless it’s a very dark and spooky place, then you’re going first.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.—Elbert Hubbard
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.—Don Marquis
If one door opens when another one closes, your house is probably haunted.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.―Brian P. Cleary
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.—Ron White

I always said I wanted to be somebody but perhaps I should have been more specific.
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.—Will Rogers
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

Dark Humor Bio for Instagram

‘I wonder if I could eat a child if I had the chance.’ ‘I doubt if I could cook one,’ said Constance.―Shirley Jackson
When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. — Saul Bellow
Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought… Once you’ve hired the car…―Tim Key

Despite my ghoulish reputation, I really have the heart of a small boy. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Never hit anyone with glasses. If you must hit them, use a baseball bat.
It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it’s fun and games you can’t see anymore.―James Hetfield

If at first, you don’t succeed, blame your parents.—Marcelene Cox
My house is like the Bermuda Triangle. Stuff comes in never to be seen again.
Society is like a stew. If you don’t stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top. — Edward Abbey

After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say ‘I want to see the manager.’―William S. Burroughs
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.—George Bernard Shaw
When God created fools, he put the biggest of them into uniform and gave them helmets to prevent any thoughts entering their heads.―M. R. C. Kasasian

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.―Andrew Lawrence
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.—W. H. Auden
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.—Phyllis Diller

Luxury is the ease of a t-shirt in a very expensive dress.―Karl Lagerfeld
Life is like coffee, the darker it gets, the more it energizes.―Ankita Singhal
I read a report that said 88% of adults trust their doctors – well, 100% of dead people don’t!―Stewart Stafford

Just being yourself is not necessarily the best advice for everyone.
You have to accept the fact that sometimes you are the pigeon, and sometimes you are the statue.
I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often – but I’m well preserved.—Rose Kennedy

Prejudice is a great time-saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.—E. B. White
I have a drinking problem, I can’t afford it.
a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

I don’t hate you. I’m just not that excited about your existence.
My only choice was between the disastrous and the unpalatable. A very German choice.―Philip Kerr

Conclusion

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